Announcement from on High

Are you like me? Do you write in your journal three times a day but still feel like you aren't doing a good enough job of writing your personal history? Then you'll be so pleased to know that the church has just told all the bishops that we no longer have to worry about any kind of record keeping. Instead, we should spend more time with our families. That includes boating (at least one of your kids must be present), walks in the park, and a game we at our house call "Topsy Turvy Kitten".

Just kidding. We still have to keep records. Go back to feeling guilty for your inadequacies.

Lest we forget

Have we forgotten the faith of our fathers? Have we forgotten the sacrifice of the pioneers? Have we forgotten to turn off the oven?

Talents under a bushel? Release them.

The teenagers of our day are doing way too much talent hiding under a bushel. What I mean, is that if you hide your talents under a bushel, no one will get to see how well you can sing "On the good ship lollipop" or "Eye of the tiger". That's a shame. It's also a sin. I abhor sin. I also don't like cauliflower or canned yams. I once knew a girl my age who hid her bushel under a bushel. Too bad for her. As far as I could tell, she had a really nice bushel.

My favorite hymn

One of my favorite hymns is a song that, as it turns out, isn't a hymn at all. Its a popular song from Neil Diamond called "Forever in Blue Jeans". It has a wonderful message about how money doesn't sing and dance and how it's a real special feeling to have your wife right beside you and how you should be sure and wait until you're married to have sex. Ok. I made that last part up, but it's still a good idea to wait.

I can't remember if you have a mote or a beam

There are a few people in the ward that love to point out the flaws of others. Since I’m bishop, I won’t say who you are, but I suggest looking at either the mote or the beam in your own eye rather than going on and on about the mote or beam in your neighbor’s eye. (I can never remember which is which about if you have a mote or a beam in your eye and if your neighbor only has a mote or does he have a beam?)

Speaking of something in your neighbor’s eye, Jared Fillgette works for a company that makes glass eyes out of plastic. This makes it much more comfortable for the user, Jared says, but don’t stand too close to the fire. Can you imagine this scene--
Glass eye user: My eye is melting, my eye is melting!
Unsuspecting passerby: Oh no. You’ll go blind.
Glass eye user: I’m already blind in that eye. I’m yelling because now I”ll have to buy a new eye and they are real expensive. I was saving up for new boat for duck fishing.

Come Listen To a Prophet's Voice Crack

Our ward historian, Calbert Eldrige Furbey has discovered a wax cylinder recording, or, phonograph cylinder recording of a young Lorenzo Snow singing "Froggy went a courting". It's difficult to tell if it's the early technology, or young Lorenzo's voice, but at one point in the song, it seems that his voice begins to crack. I'll bet that wouldn't have happened had he been singing one of the church hymns. That's more of a comment on the power of the church hymns than on the voice of a prophet-to-be.

Good seats in heaven still available

Alan Siepert has done it again and we don't call him the ward liar for nothing. He has some of you convinced that all the good seats in heaven are taken. He said all seats in front, close to God have been reserved since 1956. First of all, there aren't any seats in heaven close to God. All the seats are good and all the seats are close to God. Now, it is true that only 30% are padded and those are in heaven's relief society room.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile: Gavin Auggler

Gavin Auggler tells me that growing up with unusually large ears was not as difficult as you might think, thanks to a mother that used to tell him, "Gavin, those enormous ears of yours are Gods way of saying thanks for being such a good listener to everyone in the pre-existence" and she also used to say that God was telling him "because you have such big ears, I promise you will not get cancer or Crohn's disease, although I can't say for sure about Carotenosis." Gavin has been in the ward for 12 years and has served on the high council and the low council as well as a Sunday School teacher and they guy that keeps everything up to date on the bulletin board. We are glad he's in our ward. Even though one of his ears is just outside the ward boundary. Just kidding. His whole body is in our ward. We love you Gavin.

What is going on at the Jeppsons?

A special ward committe has been formed to find out why in the name of all things holy the Jeppsons' family home evenings are so boring. We've been hearing complaints from their children for years now, but only recently have we heard complaints from brothers and sisters of the ward that are not related. For example, Shelly Wexler was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off some size 6 pants that her son no longer wore. She wanted to give them to the Jeppsons because, as you know, the Jeppsons have the twins, Bobby and Tippett, that should be able to fit in size 6 pants, even though most of their friends are wearing size 8. (Malnourished, if you ask me). Anywho...Sister Wexler dropped off the pants and was invited in and was told "come on in--we're nearly through with family home evening". She happened to arrive on a night that had Brother Jeppson sculpting an exact replica of Nauvoo, circa 1839, with a crude "clay" he made himself out of flour and old socks. Sister Wexler reports hearing one of the children whisper "can someone try to knock me unconscious."

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Potato Bar for Less Actives

In our Bishop's council meeting we discussed ways to re-activate the less actives and activate the downright hostile folks back to full fellowship. You'll be pleased to know that we received a revelation that told us the way to do it was with a potato bar at the end of Sacrament Meeting. While all of you faithful will make your way to Sunday School, I'll be serving the less actives a serving of baked potato goodness and a full serving of welcome back into the fold.

We've been praying for the wrong leg

Many of you have been asking how Kip Nelson has been doing, and particularly, how come his leg isn't getting any better after all the fasting and prayers we've been doing. As it turns out, we've been praying for the wrong leg. It's the left leg that's got the gummy knee. That's probably my fault and I take nearly all the blame.

Do not sell keys to the building on E-bay

We ask that you not sell the keys to our building. Do not sell them and do not give them to your friends. We know that Casey Altoon, for example, has been selling stolen goods on E-bay, including keys to our building. It has been reported to me by his mother that his medication has been adjusted and that many of your missing items should be returned shortly. I believe that includes Candy Larsen's kitten, Phil Drygert's garden hose, and Rose Thompson's urn collection. She also wondered if someone had one of those padded helmets she could borrow for Casey. He sold his on E-bay.

I was giving my son Nathan a lecture

Many of you have wondered why it has been such a long time since I kept you up to date on the ward happenings. Had I been released, many of you wondered? Had I been spending time at a house of ill repute, others questioned. None of those. Wrong. All of you. I have been giving my son Nathan a lecture. It was long on substance and long on length. That is what has been going on. In the mean time, Brother Samuelson, the Executive Secretary has been doing a bang up job on running the ward in to the ground. Thank goodness I'm back.

Come for the prayer - Stay for the crab

Brother Tibbits is making his wonderful Crab Cakes this Sunday night to be had after our monthly ward prayer. As always, we'll be having it at the church. Come for the prayer, stay for the crab.

The real reason the organist was released

If any of you lack the real reason the organist was released, let him ask the bishop. Sister Danzig was released from being organist, not because she was kept playing too loud (as brother Jepson suggested on a weekly basis) but because she was mad I would not let her install and use a drum machine to accompany her during sacrament meeting. That's the real reason.

CTR-b Class Blamed For Missing Casserole

You parents can call them little angels, but we in the bishopric know different. Sister Thompson had prepared a special casserole for Mardel Gibbs since he just had a second stroke. She came by the church on Sunday to pick up sister Lori Green so the two of them could deliver the casserole together. As she was coming in to the church to get sister Green, the CTR-b class opened her van and took the casserole from the front seat and hid it in the bushes. No one could find it for three days. The only good that I can see from this story is that Mardel's stroke has made it very difficult for him to eat anything other than liquids and chunk-free paste, so he probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy the casserole anyway. But still.

We rate your testimonies

Just so that you, we, as a bishopric, rate each and every one of the testimonies given on fast and testimony Sunday. We use a five star rating. These are mostly kept to ourselves. I will tell you that Reed Thomas usually gets 4 or 5 stars. But not this week. We also award a testimony of the month award. You won't know who it is, though. It's just for our own amusement.

The Stake President Throws Like A Girl

Just because President Martin throws like a girl is no reason that we shouldn't respect him any more than you respect me. Please realize, I played baseball in high school and still stay quite physically active. But those are not the kinds of things on which to base your respect for our stake president. He is a good man. He plays the violin quite well, and has a number of different scriptures memorized--some of them are in the Bible. Let us all respect President Martin, the Stake President that throws like a girl.

"One Arm Club" means more than just fewer arms

Many of you have been confused by the newest bishop-approved club in our ward, called the "One Arm" club started by Dusty Capple. The club is for anyone that feels different due to a lost limb, an unusually large nose, blindness, or any other physical problem that makes you feel, at least occasionally, inadequate. The "One Arm Club" is a support group for you. The name is misleading because to some, it suggests that you have to have only one arm to be in the club. Not so. That's just a catchy name we came up with. Missing fingers, one leg shorter than the other, teeth that are too big for your small mouth, blotchy skin...you're all welcome to come. Even you, brother Fardly. Hop-on over to the church on Thursdays for a lot of fun, and support from others that face similar challenges!

Challenges! Aren't they great!

Please stop asking me to fornicate

As many of you know, I have always been a faithful member of the church. That’s why it just chaffs my chaps when people come up to me and say, “Hey there bishop. When are you going to start smoking tobacco cigarettes” or “What’s up bishop. How about you and me go enjoy some carnal fornication--I’m not wearing any panties.” When are you sinners going to learn that I choose the right.

I enjoy being recognized at the local shopping areas as much as the next person, but have you ever thought that maybe I just want you to say hello? Maybe I just want someone to ask how my wife and kids are doing and if I’m going to take the kids water skiing next summer. Huh? Did you ever think of that? (I am going to take the kids water skiing next summer by the way). Well, maybe you sinner ought to start thinking more along those lines. And speaking of lines, I just said a prayer for you so you’d stop using cocaine.

I love to help

Are you like me? Do you like to help others in need? Well, that’s what I love. I love to help. If I see someone with their zipper down or a booger on their nose, I’ll tell them. I’ll do it in a nice way too, of course. I won’t laugh and point and hope they inadvertently smear the booger on the application they just filled out. I’ll kindly tell them. Because I really think that’s what Jesus would have done. I don’t think he would have pointed to his apostles and said, “Ha ha, apostles. Look at that man with his zipper down. He sure has a lot to learn about zipping up his zipper!”

Wholesome activites

In this crazy, mixed up world of ours, with all of Satan's barbs, I sometimes wonder if we forget all the wholesome activities that are still available to us. Here are some things that are a wonderful way to pass the time in ways other than video games, television, and Asian pornography.

Playing marbles
Arm wrestling
Reading poems to a loved one, or to an old person
Boondoggling
Horse shoes
Badminton
Whittling
Hopscotch
Memorizing a clean limerick
Shuffleboard
Tying knots (Who remembers the clove hitch?!!!)
Finger painting

And while it's true that I looked on the internet for some ideas, you don't really need the internet to have fun.

How great the wisdom and the stew

Brother Finkle's lecture and dinner series "How great the wisdom and the stew" will be starting again right after Thanksgiving. Be sure and sign up early, as he always fills these classes up. As I heard one brother say last week, "Who cares if he's 97 years old. That's some of the best stew west of Memphis!" Yes, it's good stew, and good lectures, also. This year he will be covering some of the lesser known pioneer stories, including one about a young man who made a covered wagon entirely out of straw. He died, of course, but he had faith as strong as an ox. It's too bad he didn't have an ox, though. He probably would have made it further across the plains.

First, we give the casserole a blessing

If you aren't sick or ailing, after you hear this, you just might wish you had gout or lupus or something. Sister Culbert has made a number of her award winning spicy radish casseroles that we, as a bishopric, will be passing out to the sick and the ailing. What we'll do first, is to give the casserole a blessing. That way, you'll be getting a hot meal and a blessing at the same time. It was my idea.

Thank goodnes I misread that sign.

On the way to Springville, there is a billboard advertising one of those seasonal haunted houses or scary corn mazes or something. It's called "The Dreaded Grove". It's a little hard to read and I thought it said, "The Dreaded Grope". Of course my first thought was that a place called The Dreaded Grope was chilling, indeed. Then I wondered if any of our priesthood brethren would be working there because if so, there was certainly going to be a need for some interviews. Thank goodness I misread that sign.

Wow. Now that was a general conference

Are you like me? Did you feel like that was one of the third or fourth best general conference sessions we've ever had in the last 5 years? All that talk about faith and prayer. And did you hear that choir? My goodness, it was as if they were singing with one voice.

Now I don't know about you, but I could have used a couple more talks about the evils of pornography. That just can't be talked about enough. It's evil and it's everywhere. You can't even go to a hotel room anymore and turn on some of the in-room entertainment without having it rammed down your throat.

And there were so many non-white speakers this time. I really liked that. It gave me the opportunity to point out to my children what they look like. We're hoping to meet some non-whites in real life some day.

I appologize for not keeping up with the blog, as of late. There are so many of you in the ward that have personal problems, issues with your spouse, your kids, stealing stuff from work, addictions to on-line gaming, sexual perversions, health issues, mental instability, gayness, treason, and others, that I haven't been able to spend as much time with the blog as I would like. My son Nathan joked about whether or not I still live at home. Ha ha ha, Nathan. I sure do, and I'm coming to see if your room is clean.

I think I did a bad thing

You know how you are supposed to liken the scriptures unto yourself? Well, I likened them unto my brother and I got such a different read on things that for twenty minutes last night, I felt it was ok to hit my kids. This just doesn't seem right.

Nothing I say will help him

Brother Charlie Tibble, the ward gay, wants to know why we don't do road shows any more. I don't know how to answer him without offending him. I will pray about it.

Get to know your ward members

This week’s profile, Dr. Gordon Hilger.

Dr. Hilger has been a member of our ward for 43 years. He was the second bishop when the ward began. He’s held many other callings in the ward (Sunday School President, Elders Quorum President, High Priest Group leader, Assistant to the canning specialist, new member practical joke committee, Greeter, Meeter, Ward Mission Leader, Ward Golf Instructor, Ward Hip Replacement specialist, wheat germ activist) and many others. In addition to his tremendous service to the church, he is also active in the medical community in which he works and has written a number of medical best sellers, including “When urine turns frothy; A guide to your body’s health” and “A polyp, a cyst, and a nodule walk into a bar; and other hilarious medical jokes”. He has seven children. Five of them he cares about. Three of them have gone on missions. Six of them wear a size 44 pants. One of them stole my son’s bike. Four of them have defiled the “Y” on the mountain. And all of them are children of our Heavenly Father. It’s a blessing to have Dr. Gordon Hilger in our ward.

Stop, pervert!

Whoever you are, I want you to stop. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. There is someone in our ward that told the young kids a phrase and said it was to keep them out of trouble. But, if you ask me, it's just a recipe that will lead to petting with a 76 percent chance of success. If you've heard the following phrase, you'll know what I mean:

A back rub in the front room leads to a front rub in the back room.

Stop teaching the kids this lesson. It will lead to their downfall and I don't like it. I'm so mad, I could just spit. Oh great. Now I don't have the spirit because I'm so mad.

Satan, you win this round.

Guess who's getting married

It looks like David Richardson and Lila Davidson are getting married. (Not in the temple, though. He's not a full tithe payer). We give them our blessings (and my wife is giving them a toaster).

You Can Pluck Hair From My Ear, Anytime

I sure don't want to embarrass the Swensons, but I overheard a conversation they had the other day, and I felt like it was a perfect example of the give and take that is needed, yea, even essential, in a marriage today.

Sister Betty Swenson: Acton, you look so handsome.
Brother Acton Swenson: Thanks, my dear.
Betty: Can I just pluck some of those ear hairs for you?
Acton: You can pluck hair from my ear, anytime, sweat heart.

There are many couples in our ward that don't do acts of kindness like this for each other, let alone, talk to each other with such respect. It's sad to see, but true. That's why I was so moved by the Swenson's conversation.

So, that why I'm asking all the wives in the ward to pluck hairs from their husband's ears tonight when they get home from work. Before you start dinner together, pluck his hairs. Show him that you care. And husbands, let your wife know you appreciate it by talking kindly to her and by offering to put the tweezers away for her.

This kind of interaction is the road to a happy marriage.

Sister Adler Had the Quadruplets!

The waiting is over in the Adler family, as Sister Adler gave birth late last night to four beautiful daughters. Her husband Ryan called to let us know and to tell us they have decided on names for the little bundles of joy. The names will be Faith, Hope, Charity, and Brenda.

Congrats!

What's the first thing you think of?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "Flackpug"? Because that's going to be the theme for our primary this year and it stands for

1. Faith
2. Love
3. Adoration
4. Charity
5. Kindness
6. Prayer
7. Understanding
8. Gratitude

Our goal is for every child in primary this year to learn the Flackpug motto and write their own flackpug song. We will appreciate help from all the parents.

Thanks.
G. Higgins

Sins? We forgive 'em

Life can really get you down, can't it. We try to live the church standards but sometimes Satan just gets a hold on us and he won't seem to let go. Next thing you know you're dialing one of those numbers you see at the back of free newspapers and you're phone bill runs up to $300. You know what I'm talking about. Don't you brother Stevens. Well, just in case some of you were mired in guilt and forgot about which, of the many sins you can be forgiven, here is a list to refresh your memory. Keep in mind, this list is not comprehensive. See, there is hope.

• Lusting after Katherine Zeta Jones, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Penelope Cruz or other popular film and television personalities
  
• Backbiting
• Inviting your friends upstairs when we specifically asked you not to
• Adultery
• Destroying other people's property
• Failing to pay taxes
• Failing to pay an honest tithe
• Paying tithing on money you won in a dog fight
• Laughing really hard and pointing at others that are less fortunate than you, or, laughing at someone that may be wearing pants that are called "high water" pants
  
• Cross dressing
• Pretending to be a real massage therapist
• Public nudity
• Private nudity if you aren't married
• Private nudity if you are married but are nude, privately, in front of someone other than the person to whom you are legally and lawfully married.
• Suing people for no good reason
• Dry humping
• Check bouncing
  
• Check humping
• Dry bouncing
• Hiding your talents under a bushel
  

New Rings For Teenagers Replace CTR Rings

My son Nathan tells me that CTR rings aren't cool. I think he's up in the rafters, but apparently Sister Minnie Archer feels the same way as Nathan. Of course, unlike my son Nathan that just complains and complains without offering any solutions, Sister Archer has actually done something about it. She has fashioned a new line of rings for the young kids in high school to replace the CTR ring. It's called the ICTDTRT Ring and it stand for"It's Cool To Do The Right Thing".

They'll be available just in time for the beginning of school this year and start at $39.95. So come on kids--reserve your ring now because you sure don't want to be the only one at school to hear, "Where's your ICTDTRT ring, nerd?"

Casserole Reenactment Society Can Accept One More

The Casserole Reenactment Society has lost one of its members and is now taking applications to fill the vacant slot. As you know, the Society takes the idea of pioneer reenactments one step further than typical reenactment groups. The Casserole Reenactment Society bake casseroles just as the pioneers would. They wear the same clothing, use the same recipes, gather the same ingredients by the same methods, bake them in the exact same conditions, and deliver them to the descendants of those pioneers that would be receiving the casserole if they were still alive today with a working digestive system and a full set of teeth.

Many of the members in the society are women over the age of 75 but they encourage people of all ages, both male and female to consider becoming a member. All that is required is a love of the casserole arts and a strong sense of pioneer heritage. Please provide your own oven mitt.

Accepted members are given a lifetime position and the coveted vacant spots only become available when current members pass on to the celestial kingdom or one of the less attractive after-life stations.

Thanks, Guest Bishop.

Wow,

Our guest bishop really did a first-rate job. Thanks to Tatum Phlister who sat in as guest bishop while my family and I were away for a little R and R and S S (Rest and Relaxation and Scripture Study). Not only will you receive blessings in heaven for your service, I’m going to use some of the tithing money we collected and present you with a $50 gift certificate to Applebees.

This week's least popular sin

Gluttony.

This is your lucky day!

Francine Baldwin has made another batch of her ever popular "Word of Wisdom Squash Bars" and just called me to say she has about 300 pounds extra for anyone in the ward that would like to come get some. It's first come, first serve so I'd hurry right over there and get some. Yum yum!

Cancelled: Father and Son and Snake Camp Out

We are going to have to cancel the Father and Son and Snake Camp Out. We weren't able to round up enough snakes.

187 Laws of Happiness

My wife is working on a new book for women in the church called "The 187 Laws of Happiness You Must Follow Or You Will Need Paxil". It's both touching and lighthearted in it's instructions on navigating through life with all its ups and downs and crushing setbacks. It's going to be available in time for Christmas and yes, Sister Kluwer, there is a chapter on having a healthy self-image about your body. That chapter is called, "Why Sister Kluwer Needs A Better Self-Image About Her Body".

While I'm Gone, We'll Have A Guest Bishop

Next week I will be unable to attend our ward. My family and I will be in Lubbock Texas. As you know, each summer we spend a week there, visit my mother and help her do some work at the fish hatchery.

While I am away this year, I've decided to arrange for a "guest bishop" rather than let my responsibilities fall to our mostly capable 1st counselor, Brother Ted Malloy and our second counselor, Brother Garvey Evensborough II.

The guest bishop I have secured is an old college buddy of mine. He's true to the faith and has a large number of conservative neck-ties and I feel like he will do a bang-up job. When you see him next week, treat him with respect, just as you would treat me.

I'll just tell you that Brother Evensborough II didn't seem to mind one bit, but brother Malloy was irate. Don't be surprised if he doesn't come to church next week out of spite. If you ask me, he's acting like a baby.

Could All The Old People Please Stand Up, Now Sit Down, Now Stand Up Again

I really have to apologize to all the old people in the ward for what I did in Sunday School. For those of you that were in the Temple Preparation class or in the primary, I'll tell you what I did. I had to make an announcement about our canning assignment this coming week, so I said, "Will all the old people please stand up". Then I asked them to sit down. Then I got a hilarious idea. "OK, now stand up again. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down. Now stand up. Now sit down." I wanted to see how many times I could do it before Sister Call gave up. Boy, she was a trooper. I didn't know if she'd ever quit, and then all the sudden there was a loud "snap" and she quit standing. I wish you could have all seen it.

But I really do need to apologize because a couple people had to be carried out in to the hall and given water. I didn't really intend for that to happen or for anyone to get hurt and I guess I didn't think it through very well. It's rare, but sometimes Bishops make mistakes, too.

I promise I won't do it again. Yes I will. No I won't. Yes I will. No I won't.
Just kidding. I won't. I promise.

Get to know your ward members

This week's profile is Brother Phillip Gully.

Phillip Gully hasn't always been without an arm. He was born with two, just like many of us. It was during World War II when he lost it. He was out picking apples, intending to send them to his older brother, a soldier, fighting in Germany. That's when little Phillip lost his balance, fell off the ladder, and broke his arm.

His mother was unable to deliver him to the only doctor the town had, because a week earlier she accused the doctor of giving her headaches on purpose. Incessant arguing caused the doctor to throw Phillip's mother out of the office and insisted she never return. When Phillip broke his arm, his mother said she would do all she could to fix it herself. Soaking it in salt water just wasn't enough. The arm became infected, swollen, and eventually fell off all together.

But none of that stopped Phillip from becoming a tennis champion, fly fisherman, policeman, fireman, ping-pong instructor, cyclist, welder, drummer in a Def Leppard Tribute band, to say nothing of his endless church service. He once mowed the church lawn without anyone asking him to do so. On another occasion, he went to the church and made sure all the lights were off one evening. Again, no one asked him to do that.

Phillip's a go-getter. He's goes. Then he gets. I like that about him. A lot of people I know just wait around for you to ask them to do something. Not Phillip. Not Phillip Gully. One-armed Phil. He may have 50% fewer arms than the rest of us, but he has a determination that is 83% larger than anyone else I know.

Who said disease can't be fun?

There are three people in the ward who have recently contracted serious diseases. And as you and I both know, disease is neither fun, nor funny. But when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. In other words, lets play a fun match game. I’ll give you the names of all three people, then I’ll give you the names of the three diseases. Try to match the ward member with the current disease they have. Then, pray for them. But watch out! If you aren’t correct, you could be praying for the wrong thing! Have fun.

1. Belinda Tibbits
2. Fawn Berger
3. Fulton Smythe

a. Frey’s Syndrome
b. Tinea unguinum
c. Gangliosidosis